Choosing the right spouse: Your partner in life, parenting & beyond

The parenting journey starts with the selection of a spouse.

The route of choosing a spouse is one that is exciting, ambiguous, and often filled with fear. Today, we are bombarded with ideals of relationships, love, and marriage. As the fitrah (natural disposition) of a man is towards a woman and vice versa, marriage becomes a very important part of a Muslim’s life, as it is a means to seek the redha of Allah and to channel human desires into what is permissible. Allah SWT says in the Qur’an:

نِسَآؤُكُمْ حَرْثٌۭ لَّكُمْ فَأْتُوا۟ حَرْثَكُمْ أَنَّىٰ شِئْتُمْ ۖ وَقَدِّمُوا۟ لِأَنفُسِكُمْ ۚ وَٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ وَٱعْلَمُوٓا۟ أَنَّكُم مُّلَـٰقُوهُ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ ٱلْمُؤْمِنِينَ
“Your wives are like farmland for you, so approach them consensually as you please. And send forth something good for yourselves. Be mindful of Allah, and know that you will meet Him. And give good news to the believers.”
[Surah Al-Baqarah, Verse 223]

Love and care are things that human beings intrinsically crave, and inclination towards the opposite gender is normal. It is also normal for a young man to have a ‘crush’ or liking towards a young woman, as that itself is a sign of Allah SWT’s greatness. We must always attribute these feelings to the will of Allah, for He is the One who places inclinations in the hearts of people. This is where the more serious, rational thought process should begin—considering marriage as the solution to unresolved feelings.

One may ask: how do I get married, and how will I know if this person is right for me? When selecting a spouse, one must consider whether the suitor is capable of being a good parent and has a deep connection with Allah SWT. Parenting starts before conception. The person you choose will ultimately help raise and nurture your child. If you choose a righteous spouse, it is highly probable that your child will grow to love Allah. If you choose otherwise, the offspring may be raised upon material and worldly concerns alone.

Of course, there is always a chance for people and couples to change after marriage. However, this can be more difficult for individuals who already aim for piety, as their primary intention is seeking Allah’s pleasure. Thus, if one seeks a partner who can nurture pious children, one should choose a spouse heading in the same direction.

Abu Huraira reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “A woman is married for four reasons: her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion. Thus, give precedence to the one with religion.”
[Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1466]

Starting off halal.

To attain a marriage approved by Allah SWT, one must begin with the right intentions and conduct. In a world where “dating before marriage” is normalised, Islam teaches us otherwise. We are taught to marry to date, without neglecting the importance of getting to know a potential spouse. When we start in the way Allah has allowed, what comes after will be blessed, even with challenges.

The first step is to acknowledge that getting to know a spouse is not for play, trial, or casual experimentation. From the beginning, intentions must be serious and directed towards marriage—not a flirtatious relationship, and certainly not a hook-up (wal ‘iyaazubillah). Once intentions are clear, one should enter the ta’aruf process, which means “getting to know,” specifically with marriage in mind.

Informing the Guardian/Wali of the woman.

Once both parties agree to get to know each other, the process must be done correctly—within the bounds set by Allah SWT. This begins with informing the parents, particularly the woman’s Wali. The Wali must be informed of the communication, and he must give consent for the man and woman to speak.

This step is not merely etiquette—it ensures family involvement from the start and protects the woman from harm, especially from men who are not serious and may exploit her for lust. Once the Wali grants permission, the two may proceed to meaningful discussions about their values, goals, and worldviews to assess compatibility.

What if I have started talking to someone but our parents do not know?

If a man and woman have begun talking without the Wali’s permission, even if the conversations were serious and not flirtatious, they should seek the Wali’s permission as soon as possible. This legitimises their communication and brings barakah.

The Prophet ﷺ said:

“There is no marriage except with a guardian (wali).”
(Al-Tirmidhi 1101, Abu Dawood 2085, Ibn Majah 1881)

If the communication has already become flirtatious, lustful, or has included secluded meetings (khalwah), then two solutions exist:

Solution 1: Break off the relationship.

This is the better of the two solutions, in light of the Hadith:

Abu Qatadah reported that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,

“Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty except that Allah will replace it with something better.”
[Musnad Aḥmad 23074]

Leaving the impermissible for Allah brings something better—perhaps a better partner, opportunity, or simply peace of heart.

Solution 2: Make taubah to Allah SWT and follow the correct steps.

If the couple wishes to rectify their situation, they must repent sincerely, inform the woman’s Wali, involve families, minimise communication except when necessary or talk decently during communication, and avoid repeating past mistakes. If they are sincere, Allah may grant barakah to their marriage.

It is mentioned in the Qur’an: 

إِنَّمَا ٱلتَّوْبَةُ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ لِلَّذِينَ يَعْمَلُونَ ٱلسُّوٓءَ بِجَهَـٰلَةٍۢ ثُمَّ يَتُوبُونَ مِن قَرِيبٍۢ فَأُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ يَتُوبُ ٱللَّهُ عَلَيْهِمْ ۗ وَكَانَ ٱللَّهُ عَلِيمًا حَكِيمًۭا

Allah only accepts the repentance of those who commit evil ignorantly ˹or recklessly˺ then repent soon after—Allah will pardon them. And Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise. 

[Surah An-Nisa Verse 17]

What if I am already married and was in a haram relationship with my spouse before?

If a couple marries after a previously unlawful relationship, they should repent to Allah SWT and increase their good deeds. They should not publicise their past nor normalise haram relationships to their children. They should anchor themselves upon the Hadith:

On the authority of Abu Dharr Jundub ibn Junadah, and Abu Abdur-Rahman Muadh bin Jabal (may Allah be pleased with him), that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:

Have taqwa (fear) of Allah wherever you may be, and follow up a bad deed with a good deed which will wipe it out, and behave well towards the people. [At-Tirmidzi]

How to communicate with a future spouse & being engaged.

The ta’aruf stage is crucial in determining compatibility. Allah SWT says:

ٱلْخَبِيثَـٰتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَٱلْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَـٰتِ ۖ وَٱلطَّيِّبَـٰتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَٱلطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَـٰتِ ۚ أُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ مُبَرَّءُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَ ۖ لَهُم مَّغْفِرَةٌۭ وَرِزْقٌۭ كَرِيمٌۭ ٢٦

Wicked women are for wicked men, and wicked men are for wicked women. And virtuous women are for virtuous men, and virtuous men are for virtuous women. The virtuous are innocent of what the wicked say. They will have forgiveness and an honourable provision. [Surah An-Nisa’ Verse 26]

To know someone’s righteousness, some communication must occur, but with boundaries. This means:

• no flirtation
• no romantic nicknames
• no intimate or private topics
• conversations must be respectful and supervised 

The two are allowed to talk in a non-robotic, casual way as long as the conversation is supervised and the two do not speak to each other in a manner that can cause desires to be sparked. This is backed by the verse in the Qur’an: 

وَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْكُمْ فِيمَا عَرَّضْتُم بِهِ مِنْ خِطْبَةِ النِّسَاءِ أَوْ أَكْنَنتُمْ فِي أَنفُسِكُمْ ۚ عَلِمَ اللَّهُ أَنَّكُمْ سَتَذْكُرُونَهُنَّ وَلَٰكِن لَّا تُوَاعِدُوهُنَّ سِرًّا إِلَّا أَن تَقُولُوا قَوْلًا مَّعْرُوفًا ۚ وَلَا تَعْزِمُوا عُقْدَةَ النِّكَاحِ حَتَّىٰ يَبْلُغَ الْكِتَابُ أَجَلَهُ

There is no blame on you for subtly showing interest in ˹divorced or widowed˺ women1 or for hiding ˹the intention˺ in your hearts. Allah knows that you are considering them ˹for marriage˺. But do not make a secret commitment with them—you can only show interest in them appropriately. Do not commit to the bond of marriage until the waiting period expires. Know that Allah is aware of what is in your hearts, so beware of Him. And know that Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Forbearing. [Surah Al-Baqarah Verse 235]

A third-party presence—whether physically nearby or aware of the meeting—helps prevent transgression. This does not mean that the third party should speak in the meetings. The two can be allowed to speak, with the third party aware or seeing what the two are engaging in. Private dates, movies, and secluded meetings are not allowed.

Permissible settings include:

• speaking at the woman’s home with family present (but not necessarily involved in the conversation).
• meeting in public spaces with a guardian or trusted third party nearby.
• family-visible but private conversations.
• texting and online messaging is permissible, but the etiquettes remain the same. They may speak on important matters, and are allowed to ask questions, though it is much better for someone to be supervising the chats or vetting them regularly/occasionally. No flirtation is also allowed on text. (This is the Fatwa of scholars such as Ibn Baz on the permissibility of texting one’s fiance). Any form of transgression makes the conversation haram. 

The Prophet ﷺ warned:

“Whenever a man is alone with a woman, the devil is the third.”
(Mishkat al-Masabih)

These boundaries also apply during khitbah (engagement). Engagement does not make anything halal that was previously haram. Couples must still maintain decency until the Nikah. If it becomes necessary for a couple to meet, such as for marriage counselling or pre-marital preparations, they should do so in public settings, with family awareness—or ideally, under family supervision. Interactions should remain professional and matter-of-fact to ensure that no boundaries are crossed. Long engagement periods should also be avoided to minimise fitnah; a simple and swift Nikah is encouraged.

Having clear intentions, with minimal attachments.

Many assume that ta’aruf or engagement guarantees marriage. In reality, nothing is confirmed until the Nikah. Intentions must be sincere, but emotional attachment must be moderated.

Attachment before marriage should be directed first to Allah SWT. If the marriage succeeds and brings peace rooted in faith, it is a blessing. If it ends, then Allah’s decree contains wisdom.

Allah SWT reminds us:

وَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكْرَهُوا۟ شَيْـًۭٔا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌۭ لَّكُمْ ۖ وَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تُحِبُّوا۟ شَيْـًۭٔا وَهُوَ شَرٌّۭ لَّكُمْ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ 

“Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know.”
[Surah Al-Baqarah, Verse 216]

Make du’a for pious offspring.

Once the Nikah is done, the couple steps into a lifelong journey. One of the greatest blessings of marriage is pious offspring—and this should be asked from Allah SWT from the start.

Before marital relations (sexual intimacy), the couple may recite the Du’a:

 بِاسْمِ اللَّهِ، اللَّهُمَّ جَنِّبْنَا الشَّيْطَانَ، وَجَنِّبِ الشَّيْطَانَ مَا رَزَقْتَنَا

“Bismillah, Allahumma jannibna-sh-shaitan, wa jannibi-sh-shaitan ma razaqtana.”

This Du’a is part of the practise of the Prophet SAW, where he says:

“If anyone of you, when intending to have a sexual intercourse with his wife, says: ‘Bismillah, Allahumma jannibna-sh-shaitan, wa jannibi-sh-shaitan ma razaqtana,’ and if the couple are destined to have a child (out of that very sexual relation), then Satan will never be able to harm that child.” 

[Sahih al-Bukhari 6388]

Prayers should be part of the practice of the couple in their marriage. Another du’a they can make for pious offspring is mentioned in Surah Al-Furqan Verse 74: 

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

Rabbana hablana min azwaajina wa dhuriyyatina qurrata A’yunin waj’alna lil- muttaqina imama

“Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.”

Prayers together also strengthen the bond between the couple, as anything done together for the sake of Allah will surely increase the Barakah of the relationship.

Learning and growing together.

Marriage is not like what movies portray—an endless honeymoon. It is a bittersweet journey requiring patience, tolerance, and understanding. A successful marriage is not one without problems, but one where challenges are faced and overcome together with Allah’s help.

A thriving marriage brings sakinah, mawaddah, and rahmah, guiding the couple towards Jannah and Allah’s redha. We end by reminding ourselves that marriage is the of the signs of Allah’s power: 

وَمِنْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَٰجًۭا لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةًۭ وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَـَٔايَـٰتٍۢ لِّقَوْمٍۢ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ 

And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect. [Surah Ar-Rum Verse 21]