How to Raise Muslim Adolescents Effectively

For every individual that enters marriage and forms a couple unit, parenting will be one of the stages of family life that will require adaptation and adjustment.  Many changes occur when a couple starts to have children.  These changes generate much joy and stress at the same time.  However, raising children at their different stages of development requires different types of adjustments.   

Children at infancy have different needs from children at adolescence.  Failure to adjust adequately may create even more distress in the family as a whole and within its individual members.  Therefore, in adapting and adjusting to any changes, it is most important to have a vision to guide us.   This article suggests a vision for Muslim parents to adopt, as well as ways to frame their relationship with their adolescent children in order to seek inspiration from Islamic teachings. 

Clarity of Parenting Vision: Admission to Paradise  

As Muslims, our deen provides guidance in living our daily lives and this includes parenting adolescents.  There are many points of guidance that we can take from Islamic teachings and these as a whole provide the vision for our parenting tasks.  One of the key sources of guidance is from the Quran where Allah SWT says: 

“O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allāh in what He commands them but do what they are commanded.”

(Surah At-Tahrim verse 6)

Therefore, one of the overarching principles in Islamic parenting, regardless of our children’s stage of development, is to ensure that our parenting vision, methods and tasks are aligned with saving ourselves and our families from hellfire.  By implication, this also means that as parents, we must seek the necessary knowledge of how to guide our families to be saved from hellfire and admitted into Paradise.  

There are numerous teachings in Islam which describe actions that can help one to be admitted to Paradise – teachings that we can model for our children.  One example is to ensure that as a family, we do not ascribe partners to Allah, and to perform our ibadah as commanded by Him.  Abu Ayyub (RA) reported: 

“A man said to the Prophet (PBUH): “Direct me to a deed which may admit me to Paradise.” Upon this, he (the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “Worship Allah and never associate anything with Him in worship, establish Salat, pay Zakat, and strengthen the ties of kinship.” 

(Hadith narrated by al-Bukhari & Muslim)

Another example is to model good character for our children, so that they themselves will develop good character.  

“Abu Hurairah (RA) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) was asked about that for which people are admitted into Paradise the most, so he said: ‘Taqwa of Allah, and good character.’ And he was asked about that for which people are admitted into the Fire the most, and he said: ‘The mouth and the private parts.’”

(Hadith narrated by at-Tirmidhi)

Yet another example is to ensure that our children learn humility because one cannot enter Paradise if one has even a mustard seed of arrogance.  The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: 

“Whoever has a mustard seed’s weight of pride (arrogance) in his heart, shall not be admitted into Paradise. And whoever has a mustard seed’s weight of faith in his heart, shall not be admitted into the Fire.”  

(Hadith narrated by at-Tirmidhi)

We are also encouraged to ask Allah SWT to be admitted into Paradise, and this is a prayer that we as parents ought to teach our children.  The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: 

“Whoever asks for Paradise, three times, Paradise will say: “O Allah, admit him to Paradise.’ And whoever asked to be saved from Hell, three times, Hell will say: ‘O Allah, save him from Hell.’”

(Hadith narrated by Ibn Majah, an-Nasa’i, at-Tirmidhi)

Therefore when we observe these teachings and many other similar examples, we will come to the conclusion that firstly, parents must be clear about the vision for their families which is to protect ourselves and our children from hellfire, and strive to be admitted and reunited in Paradise.  Parents must also understand the characteristics of the dwellers of Paradise in order to be able to fulfil this vision.  Needless to say, both parents will need to be aligned with each other in desiring this vision in order for it to be achieved.

Moulding Adolescents’ Characteristics 

The question then begs, “How can parents raise adolescents with the behaviours and characteristics that can achieve and fulfil this vision?”  This question turns our attention to the dynamics of the relationship between parents and adolescents.  I propose that it is helpful to look at the dynamic of the parent-adolescent relationships at three levels. 

Parent-Adolescent Relationships are Parent-Offspring Relationships 

Firstly, the heart of the parent-adolescent relationship is effectively a parent-offspring relationship.  A key feature of such a relationship is that parents are thus responsible for the child from a social and moral standpoint.  Therefore, the parents must be the party that sets the direction in the relationship, not vice versa.  The implication for this is that parents must thus take responsibility for matters such as the development, welfare and safety of the child, albeit an adolescent child.  

Parents must be responsible for their adolescents’ development in areas such as spirituality, cognition, emotion and social communication.  Thus parents will have to either impart such knowledge to their adolescents, or at least ensure that their adolescent children are able to acquire such knowledge adequately when the parents themselves are unable to do so sufficiently.  The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: 

“Command your children to pray when they become seven years old, and beat them (unharmfully) for it (prayer) when they become ten years old; and arrange their beds (for sleeping) separately.”

(Hadith narrated by Abu Dawud)

This example from establishing prayer shows that parents must act early and not allow the child to dictate boundaries and behaviour, while at the same time being responsible for the physical, emotional and spiritual safety of the child.  It is parents who must thus set the boundaries of the child’s behaviour.  

By commanding us to teach our children to pray at seven years old, and to show seriousness in prayer by ten years old, this implies that the parents would have needed to expose to, and teach children, prayer gradually from birth to seven years old.  Subsequently, parents should then start to set expectations from seven to ten years old.  By adopting this strategy intelligently, the child would be ready to start behaving according to the parents’ expectations at ten years old, including being ready to accept consequences for not performing prayer.  

To complement boundary setting, another responsibility of parents is, of course, to love our children.  The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) emphasised this when Abu Huraira (RA) reported that the Prophet (PBUH) said, 

“Anyone who does not show mercy to our children nor acknowledge the right of our old people is not one of us.”

(Hadith narrated by al-Bukhari)

By balancing clear expectations with compassion as taught by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), there would actually never be a need to physically discipline our children at all.  

These three principles of loving, nurturing and setting boundaries thus set the overall tone for the parent-child relationship, and by implication, the parent-adolescent relationship as well.  It also means that parents must be in control – it is parents who ultimately make or guide decisions for children, even when collaborating with the latter, and not the other way around.  But how then do we empower our adolescent children to make wise decisions?

Parent-Adolescent Relationships are also Relationships between Adults and Soon-to-be Adults  

The second paradigm with which to understand the parent-adolescent relationship is that it is also essentially a relationship between an adult and a soon-to-be adult.  This dimension of the parent-adolescent relationship acknowledges that the child has also developed autonomy and freedom of thought.  

From a religious point of view, the child would have progressed from the stage of mumaiyyiz (the ability to differentiate right from wrong) and likely to have also attained aqil baligh (puberty or sexual maturity).  In other words, adolescent children are even biologically able to become parents themselves.  In the past, there were even instances of adolescent Companions of the Prophet (RA) who led military expeditions, leading men much older than them.

A useful way to understand the nuances of interacting with soon-to-be adults is to look at how professional educators communicate differently towards students in secondary school compared to students in primary school.  Typically, upon entering secondary school, parents are advised by school administrators not to continue mollycoddling their children.  Secondary schools expect their students to have a higher level of responsibility, of understanding instructions, and a better appreciation of socially expected behaviour.  At this stage of development, secondary school students also typically begin to assert independence in many aspects of their lives.  Yet, while they are soon-to-be adults, they are yet-to-be adults.

In the context of these changes, parents and adolescents will need to adapt in terms of how they communicate with each other.  This process of adaptation or maladaptation is where much miscommunication happens in families.  Both the adults and the adolescents need to constantly clarify their expectations about various domains of the adolescent’s lives, such as their language, actions, habits, sources of influence, and overall independence.

While adolescents start to have higher cognitive abilities because of their brains’ physical development, they do not automatically acquire socially (and religiously) expected behaviour and have to model after parents, family members, teachers, peers and other social actors in their environment.  Thus, parents will need to constantly observe and check-in whether their teenage children understand what is expected of them because they may adopt ways of thinking and behaving from outside the family (and outside the religion), in positive and sometimes, negative ways.

Adolescents may push back against the boundaries placed by parents because they may feel that such communication causes them to feel like they are being treated like younger children.  They may also compare their level of independence with that of their peers.  This is exactly where the process of trial and error comes in with regards to negotiating boundaries with adolescents.  

During this process of negotiation, parents will need to understand that because adolescents want to be ‘seen’ as being capable and independent, they may sometimes respond emotionally if the parents’ tone of communication implies any incapability and inferiority on the adolescent’s part.  

Thus, it is important to know what and how to communicate with adolescents as these are two key but different aspects of communication.  It is a shame when many parents have very clear parenting visions according to Islamic teachings and clear behavioural expectations of their children, but do not have the communication skills to execute and deliver their parenting messages in a way that adolescents will receive them.   

Consider some of the examples of positive communication between parent-child Prophets cited in the Quran as models of constructive and non-aggressive adult communication, full of respect and compassion.

“And when he (Ibrahim) reached with him (Ismail) [the age of] exertion, he (Ibrahim) said, ‘O my son, indeed I have seen in a dream that I [must] sacrifice you, so see what you think.’ 

He (Ismail) said, ‘O my father, do as you are commanded. You will find me, if Allāh wills, of [among] the steadfast.’”

Surah As-Saffat verse 102

“…when Yusuf said to his father, ‘O my father, indeed I have seen [in a dream] eleven stars and the sun and the moon; I saw them prostrating to me.’

He (Ya’qub) said, ‘O my son, do not relate your vision to your brothers or they will contrive against you a plan. Indeed Satan, to man, is a manifest enemy.  And thus will your Lord choose you and teach you the interpretation of narratives [i.e., events or dreams] and complete His favour upon you and upon the family of Ya’qub, as He completed it upon your fathers before, Ibraham and Ishaq. Indeed, your Lord is Knowing and Wise.’”

(Surah Yusuf verses 5 & 6)

The Parent-Adolescent Relationship is an Interpersonal Relationship 

Lastly, the parent-adolescent relationship should also be understood as an interpersonal relationship that is mutually influencing.  This means that both parties are constantly trying to influence the other, while at the same time being influenced by the other.

Using the perspective of influence or dakwah (invitation), parents must then understand that all their interactions with their adolescent children are both direct and indirect attempts, and both intentional and unintentional attempts, to influence the adolescents’ behaviours.  At the same time, parents must also be mindful that they can also be influenced by their adolescent children’s responses as well.

Therefore, if adolescents are not showing signs of behaving in the manner expected of them by their parents, then it may be that the parent has yet to be successful in influencing them effectively.  One may then ask, “How does one influence adolescents, or anyone for that matter, especially in this age of competing social influences?” Perhaps let us take some guidance and inspiration from the life of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).

Recall in the Seerah how, during the restoration of the Kaaba prior to Prophethood, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) through his sheer reputation was able to influence the fighting tribes in Mecca to adopt his suggestion to restore the Black Stone.  The Prophet (PBUH) was so well-known to be trustworthy, that conflicting groups would agree to his recommendations because they would believe that he (PBUH) would act in their best interests.  This was an excellent example of how he was able to influence others positively, in fact using non-violent communication strategies which has even become a subject of study in today’s modern world. 

In another example of influence, the companion Anas (RA) narrated: 

“I served the Prophet (PBUH) for ten years, and he never said to me, “Uf” (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, “Why did you do so or why didn’t you do so?”

(Hadith narrated by al-Bukhari)

Nonetheless, this did not imply that the Prophet did not state behavioural expectations towards children.  In another hadith, the Prophet (PBUH) was even described as impactfully teaching a child how to eat.

“Narrated `Umar bin Abi Salama (RA): I was a boy under the care of Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) and my hand used to go around the dish while I was eating. So Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) said to me, ‘O boy! Mention the Name of Allah and eat with your right hand, and eat of the dish what is nearer to you.’  Since then I have applied those instructions when eating.”

(Hadith narrated by al-Bukhari)

Such examples show how people around the Prophet (PBUH) used to be impressed and inspired by his words and behaviour and how his Companions used to change their behaviour simply because they wanted to emulate his character (PBUH).

“There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allāh an excellent example for anyone whose hope is in Allāh and the Last Day and [who] remembers Allāh often.”

Surah Al-Ahzab verse 21

The Prophet’s (PBUH) method of influence and dakwah could not have been possible if he was not approachable to those around him, including those who were much younger than him.   Anas (RA), the young Companion, said:

“There is no one that people loved to see more than the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace. But when they saw him, they did not stand up for him since they knew that he disliked that.”

(Hadith narrated by al-Bukhari) 

Although we will never reach the heights of character that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) displayed, we have still been commanded to follow his example as much as we can.  The question that we need to ask ourselves then is, “Would others be similarly inspired by us, and aspire to emulate us in character in the way that we try to embody the Prophet’s teachings (PBUH)?” 

Specifically, when an adolescent looks at an adult in this day and age (for example, a parent, teacher, celebrity, and so forth), what inspires them to conclude that so-and-so is worth emulating and not just ‘cringe’ worthy?  Far from implying that parents must behave in ways similar to other social influencers, the message for parents to consider is actually whether any of their characteristics tend to repel their adolescent children instead of attracting them.  Thus, parents need to consider that their interpersonal interaction with adolescents is also essentially a relationship of dakwah (invitation), just like how the Prophet (PBUH) used to attract people to Islam.   

Conclusion

As role models, parents today will need to thread the fine line of not blindly copying social influencers for their children’s attention, and the need to match the intensity of their adolescents’ creative expression.  Parents will need to model courage and safety, while holding space for adolescents’ desire to push limits.  

Yet, parents will need to understand the breadth and boundaries of religious practices in order to clarify limits for their adolescents’ exploration of identities and behaviours.  Parents will need to exemplify how to regulate their own emotions, as their adolescents’ will continue to experiment and at times fail.  In fact, parents need to model how to regulate emotions even between themselves, because their adolescent children are intelligent enough to catch how their parents ‘throw feelings’ at each other.  Parents will need to have a vision and set clear expectations, so that their adolescents will not languish through life.  

In conclusion, parenting adolescent children is a test because of their stage of development in life and because of the social environment that competes for their influence.  However, this test is also a great opportunity for parents to reflect on their own character and communication styles and how it can be adapted to influence their adolescent children positively.  

It is also a great opportunity for parents to review their understanding of Islamic teachings, such as the expectations upon Muslim families, and to gain lessons from the character of the Prophet (PBUH).  These can be further explored by looking at the three paradigms of parent-adolescent relationships discussed in this article.   Hopefully, these will also lay the groundwork for better interpersonal communication with our adolescent children as they grow to become adults.  This is crucial because our role as parents to love, nurture, look out for safety, and to influence and give dakwah to our children, will never cease even in their adulthood.